Balance

I can see why year-round or multi-track school could be appealing. 
I had a panic attack yesterday.  I couldn't breathe and I was alone and freaking out.  I don't know why exactly. Nothing specific triggered it.  Just maybe looking at my calendar of stuff to do, crap going on with the business, FG and I kicking around the idea of moving out of state (very very pre-mature but just the thought, the inkling of it makes me nervous) was enough to set me off.  I have to cut myself some slack but it's hard. I look at other people and wonder how the heck they get it all done in a day!  Then I realized that different people have different levels of abilities to balance things in their lives.  I'm sure the stressful things right now outweigh other things which can make even small things seem insurmountable.  

I want to write a post about my DD and how she's 6 now.  But I don't have the time to devote to it.  And since I have somewhere to be or someone to see at all times for the next several days, I don't want anyone to see my puffy eyes and runny make-up after I write it out.  But yeah, my little hell-fire is 6 now.  Sweet one minute and will give you the iciest stare the next. 

I will admit I am a lucky girl that today, at the age of 39, my grandma is going to teach me to make a family recipe.  It's one of my dad's favorites (he has so many!) and one that my  mother has attempted for years and years and never managed to get right.  So my grandma is visiting and she is coming to my house today & tomorrow to teach me how to make these rolls.  She has shown me how to make many things in my life that her mother taught her to make.   There are no real recipes for many of them, which is why a personal lesson is necessary.  Sure my great-grandma wrote things down but really, how do you truly interpret a "dash" a "dollop" "mix it until it looks right" if you aren't shown?  My grandma is proud of me that I make so many of her recipes and her mother's recipes.  I cook and bake a lot by feel. Which she does too.  I guess it's just in my genes.  I made dinner for everyone the other night.  My dad's sister and her husband were visiting too.  I got so many compliments.  When they asked me what I did to marinate the meat, I couldn't really answer.  When they asked how I made the potatoes, I sounded like I was repeating a page of my great-grandma's cookbook, "I just put in enough of this & that until it seemed right and I tasted it along the way."  My grandmother beamed.  She said softly, "You cook by feel don't you?"  Yep.  Sometimes it doesn't turn out, most of the time it does. 

Now I'm waiting for two kids to arrive that I promised a friend I would watch for her today.  I've got crafts ready to go.  I kept them the other day too.  It's nice to help friends and I am actually paying her back for taking mine recently for a couple of hours.  But eye yi yi.... why do I get myself into these things?!  As soon as these performances and rehearsals are DONE for the kids, I will be able to breathe a bit.  I looked at my schedule for August and was happy to see nothing but birthday reminders and days on the boat scheduled (besides some work here & there).  I am hoping to do some sleepovers and days at Tahoe with the kids.  I'm in denial that school starts back up at the end of August.

I really got off point here didn't I?  What I started out saying is right now I'm 24/7 kid stuff with zero time to myself.  I'm either with my kids or at work (yeah, hello!, toystore - OPK!).  I told FG that while I don't want the kids to go back to school, a few minutes to myself, a trip to the grocery store alone, a chance to browse books at the library alone would be wonderful.  But with school comes homework, volunteering, papers to sign (and I am considering getting my sub teacher license this year) and less fun time with the kid - no lazy mornings of blueberry pancakes and cartoons in jammies.  So I can totally see how breaking it up could be appealing.  Make the most of the few weeks off school but then send them back and have a good routine (with some free time!) established for a few weeks too.  Then again, I don't know if I would like having them home for 4 weeks in November when I can't send them outside for hours or go to the pool.  Aren't we always struggling to find balance no matter what our situation is?