Living in the "now"

I've been doing a lot of living lately. I'm trying to be happy in the moment too.
I am so busy but I step back and think that I LOVE this busy!  This is a good time - my kids still need me and want me.

I've been taking walks and hikes regularly.  It helps so much to have a "buddy" that I know will be waiting for me on the corner. 

I've been cooking a lot (I should try to post more of my weekly menus again since I've looked back on them for inspiration for current meals) and trying new things.  My latest addiction is bread. I've been making a lot of homemade bread.  People, do NOT be afraid of yeast!  I've made baguettes, English muffins, french bread, crusty rolls, dutch crunch rolls... all sorts of stuff. 

My son is thriving in his new school.  His grades are great and he's happier.  The only problem is they have NO fun.  It's SO dammed serious all the time.  HE is so dammed serious all the time that I wish they forced a little fun on him like his old school.  Oh well.  I guess I can't have it all.  His psychologist finished up his intelligence testing so we can know where we/he can help him.  Um, yeah. Scary numbers, let me tell ya!  Freaky scary numbers.  No wonder he didn't do well in "mainstream school".  Can you spell B-O-R-E-D? 

DD is doing well in school too.  She is smart like her brother but in a different way.  She is an excellent student but much more social.  She just finished up her first season of volleyball and LOVED it.  I need to go sign her up for basketball.  I've already signed her up for the spring season of volleyball because she asked me to.  She is tall and beautiful and happy.

FG is working away like crazy but the balance seems to be ok.  I quit my job to help him but, well, working together is not always a smooth road.  I finally told him I am not going to do a part of the job he originally wanted me to and I will help in a bunch of other ways. So I am.  I feel a huge relief.  I don't know how he feels about it and quite frankly, I don't care!  It was NOT going to work out the way we thought it would and it was going to lead to more problems personally and professionally.  Hopefully he realizes that too.

I'm enjoying my role with DD's elementary school PTA.  It's challenging and wow, dealing with personalities is an interesting education.  I'm being told often that I'm doing a great job.  I've been asked a few times to take on the role again next year but I will stick to one term.  Though I don't know what I'm going to do with myself next year!!  DS's school needs help and so does my sorority alum club so maybe my volunteer efforts can go there.

Speaking of volunteer efforts - I have sitting next to my computer applications for volunteers at the Humane Society.  DS wants to go pet the cats.  He has major OCD with our cat and cannot walk past her without petting her.  He will go out of his way to go to her if she is in the same vicinity.  We dropped off some old towels and blankets for the animals to use at the shelter last week and a sweet kid volunteer took us in some of the cat rooms.  They are great if you have never seen them.  They are like cat apartments!  They have furniture, scratching posts, cubby holes for curling up, a sun room, a tv with birds and squirrels, plenty of fresh water, food and blankets for snuggling.  DS was in heaven!  He loved that the cats were so happy to see him and jumped in his lap when he sat down.  He visited many of them and had to be reminded that they are not all as tolerant as our crazy cat. So he wants to go volunteer to visit the kitties. 

I'll try to share some menus more often.  Last weekend I made French Onion soup from homemade beef stock.  We got another 1/4 cow and with that comes several packages of soup bones.  So I roasted them then simmered them and made stock.  Then I made the soup from the stock.  I also had homemade croutons on it because when you make as much fresh bread as I have been, you end up with a lot of stale bread and there is nothing easier or tastier than making homemade croutons!  A little melted butter, a little olive oil, some salt and spices - mix and toss cubed day-old bread with it.  Spread it on a baking sheet and bake in a low oven stirring every 15 min or so until they are done they way you want them.  Easy peasy and yummy!  So for my soup I was proud to say it was 100% homemade!  It took all damn day but it was good.  FG and I enjoyed a bottle of good wine with it and played dominoes with the kids - just trying to enjoy living in the "now"!

I did it!

I've been saying that a lot lately. Since I'm typing this on my phone it will be short and I'll write more later- maybe even with a recipe!
As I said, "I did it!" has been running through my head a lot lately. I have been taken out of my comfort zone quite a bit and, whoa, would you believe I actually LIKE it? Between exercise class, a hike and dealing with authority figures I've risen to challenges. Tonight I ran my first PTA meeting as President. And I DID IT! It was a challenge and I rose to it. I've been told in doing well. I feel good about things and I can only hope it continues!

Changes. The norm for our household

Ah yes, nothing is ever the same for us, is it?
But it's all good news! I promise.
First, FG's business is going along well.  So much so that the two work projects that take him out of town will take him out of town more often.  (Boo on being gone, yay on more work=more $$, well and the whole validation of a job well done thing too, I guess).

I looked at him awhile ago and said, "I cannot keep up this pace and if you are going to be gone more, I REALLY can't keep up that pace! I want to quit my measly little part time job."  So we did what normal people do and sat down with the finances and the calendar and I gave my boss a month's notice.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

But that doesn't mean I get off without working. Oh no.  Time for me to concentrate on OUR business and work for ourselves.  FG has taken that as, "Oh finally I get to give up a whole lotta stuff!"  My list of duties grows by the day and I haven't even left my measly part time job yet!

Now that I'm the new PTA President (yeah, I went there) I've been super busy with that too.  But you know what, it is such an ego boost!  Well, until I had to run my first real meeting this past weekend and HOLY BALLS WHO REALLY LIKES TO HAVE ALL THOSE PEOPLE LOOKING AT YOU AND LISTENING TO EVERY WORD YOU SAY?!  not me. The ego boost part comes when I call people up to recruit them to help and I hear, "I'm so glad you are our new president!  I will help you with whatever you need. I never wanted to help when _________ was involved but now that you are there leading the way, I'm in!"  Awwwww.  Seriously, I have gotten such awesome response it's so cool!  When I had our first meeting the other day, it was just the officers and the committee chairs (the people who do all the REAL work) and I basically told them to play nice or else.  I won't put up with any gossipy bullshit and I won't have one single person in our school feeling un-welcome or afraid to help out because either they feel like they don't have enough time to devote (I'll take whatever you want to give - 1/2 hour or 20 hours a week, whatever will make you feel happy about contributing!) or that the PTA is just a "clique" (I'm not part of any clique so hopefully that impression goes away with the previous officers).   I am lucky that the people with the most issues (i.e. the ones people didn't want to work with) have bowed out and are not wanting to help any longer.  I don't get it why some people want to be toxic or unhappy.  It makes no sense to me!

DS is going to start at a new school.  We are moving him to a charter school that focuses on science.  I'm nervous but I think it will be good.  It will definitely be a change!  We went to pick up uniform shirts and I saw many different ethnicities.  We talked about how awesome that is.  How expanding one's mind and being open to other cultures and ideas can only make you more intelligent.  Our elementary school is a great school - the best in our state according to test scores - but with that comes a very white-bread, upper-class population.  So a little mind-expansion is excting for me for my son.  He's never had a problem with anyone different than him but it will be nice to have some more in-depth exposure for him. 

I know, I know... I'm the PTA President of one school and decide to pull one of my kids out of it.  I see the irony.  Thankfully anyone who has met my son knows that he's not a typical kid and it's not because I don't like our school.

I'm counting down the days until these changes take place.  I'm excited as for once in a long time, they are positive changes!

I'm hoping to start menu planning again too.  Summer is tough as we are a lot more relaxed.  Starting next week though, I'll have one kid in school so we'll need to be more regimented.  Being done with my away-from-home job will help too!  I can't wait for thar part!

How to not look like a big jerk

I'm having a tough time understanding something....
How can FG not look like a big giant selfish asshole when someone wants him to do free work?  He has a business doing what he does and he makes a living at it.  Granted things aren't as "fat" as they have been due to our wonderful economy.  I think if we hadn't been hit so hard a few years ago and were not working so diligently to now pay for being hit hard, things would actually be a lot better on the financial front.  Damn Karma - we are hoping to be on the good side of it by actually paying off debt and not creating more.
Anyway, he deals with some people wanting him to do what he does "as a favor" quite a bit.  Then when he says no and tells them what such a project will cost for his services he looks like a big giant greedy asshole!  I don't get it!  When he has SMA do some stuff for him that SMA makes a living doing, FG pays him.  His best friend and yes FG pays his best friend for his work.  So why do other people think that FG should just do these quick "favors"?  1) they are not quick 2) he charges other clients for the same work 3) he's giving a discounted rate because they are already clients. 

I fall on the sword for FG with this client often.  I tell said client no and we will not do XYZ until we are paid etc. etc.  It sort of makes FG look completely whipped by me as his wife but I always preface things with I am his business partner and I am speaking AS his business partner.  I look like a greedy bitch but really?!  Is it really too much to ask to be paid for our work?!  Shouldn't FG be paid for what it says he does on his business card? 

I'm wondering when this client will get this.  A year of asking for free work and waiting forever to pay FG for the work he does pay him for and he still doesn't get it when we keep saying NO to doing the extra crap for free.  FG told him no today, thank goodness.  The client wasn't happy but too damn bad.  Go find someone else who will do the same quality of work in the same amount of time at the same rate.  Not going to happen.

Those of you in business for yourself... how do you handle it or do you even get asked such incredulous things like we do?

It can all end in the blink of an eye

We lost FG's aunt & uncle this week.  There are some positives to the whole tragedy:
They were together.
They were doing what they absolutely loved.
It was instant.

They adored riding their motorcycle together.  That's how they died.  Together on a beautiful road in CO on their bike.  They were hit by a woman who was under the influence and crossed over the double yellow on a curve.  They were not entirely innocent - they were hugging the line and were not wearing helmets.  I did tell FG that maybe that was actuallly a good thing.  If they had on helmets, that could possibly have allowed them to feel being thrown off the bike and their injuries.  They would have felt the pain in their bodies from being hit by a car head on at a fairly high speed.  I doubt it would have saved their lives in that situation.

FG and I went up to their house today.  Their 3 sons were there cleaning things out; keeping themselves busy.  One of their daughter-in-law's was dusting and found a little box.  She opened it an it contained "wishes" or "prayer notes" that FG's aunt wrote down and tucked away in the box.  It made us all cry.

Lives just gone.  Weird. 

FG has to go to Finland for work so he won't be here for the service where we (shhhhh, don't tell!) go to their favorite spot on the lake and drop their ashes.  I'll go, take the kids and bring along my MIL.  She was their sister-in-law for 33 years so she absolutely has a right to go, even if she's not married to FG's dad any more.

We were close in proximity but over the past few years didn't see each other much.  I blame that a lot on the bitch that FIL is married to.  She doesn't like us so she would say little things that made us not so popular with the rest of the family.  And because we just let a lot of it go and didn't necessarily "fight" back, we were the ones who hung back and didn't see the family much.  I am fairly sure FG will not let that keep happening.  We'll go and see his cousins a bit more than once every few years.  Their kids and our kids are the same ages - they should know each other too. 

When we said goodbye today, FG's cousin said all he wants is a heated ping pong match.  They played a lot as kids.  FG is one of 26 cousins - yes, first cousins!  They are all grown (FG is one of the youngest at age 40) , married and with kids of their own.  When we have family gatherings for his side of the family it's HUGE.  9 siblings & SO's, 26 grandkids & SO's, countless great-grankids and I would venture there are a couple of great-great-grandkids by now.  The service for the aunt & uncle is estimated to be over 500 people.   Where the hell am I gonna park?!

Update on the last post....

The boy is off his meds.  Turns out it was all in our heads and they didn't help.  In fact, they made things worse.  He was getting angry and aggressive - VERY unlike him.  So we stopped them and he seemed to think they were helping.  So I started giving him fish oil pills but not telling him what they are - just that they are supposed to help him focus but not make him angry.  He's not convinced.

It's been up & down the past few weeks in pretty much all aspects of my crazy life.  Busy with school stuff (THE vote happened and it was unanimous - I'm now the PTA President), spent 4 days in Vegas for the state PTA convention, this week is insane with happenings at school, work has been busy, FG has been busy and the new season of his fishing show is starting up, DD is busy with her social activities, friends and writing books.  I'm impressed with them too - for a 2nd grader, they are excellent! 

That's all I have the energy for right now.  I've been trying to keep up reading my favorite blogs but feel like I've been absent.

I will say I've been cooking some dang good food lately though!  One of my favorite meals has become grilled chicken tacos that I squirt with lime juice, topped with mango/avocado salsa in a corn tortilla warmed on the grill.  YUM!  I also made the most delicious grilled pork chops with a sweet pineapple sauce topped with grilled fresh pineapple slices. Hmmm, maybe I'm just liking grilled food?

The boy with many letters behind his name

Someday those letters will be things like PHD & MD but for now, they aren't the kinds of letters that are impressive.  Unless you count the sheer number of them.

My beautiful son.  He's an old soul who has been around a few times.  His little 11 year old body & mind just cannot take it.  He's tortured inside.

FG and I have fought it and fought it for several years.  We've tried everything we know to do - lists, timers, threats, praise, constant attention, lack of attention.... it goes on & on.  We've yelled, we've been calm.  We've cried, begged, pleaded and things have only gotten worse.

The man-child cannot focus.  Nothing worked.  Things were getting really really bad for all aspects of his life.  He is miserable and feels like a failure.  Grades are ok in school but behavior is not.

I finally broke down and the dr. filled out the prescription.  Yep. He's got ADD to add to the SPD (sensory processing disorder).  The SPD seems to be improving.  No, it never goes away he just simply learns more appropriate reactions to stimulants.  I didn't believe anyone when they told me that would get better but hey, it is! 

We started him on a low-dose, extended release ADD med.  So far so good. No bad reactions other than he gets a little sleepy in the afternoon.  He's focusing better.  I ask him to do a task and OHMYGODIONLYHAVETOASKONCEORTWICE. 

The letters don't end there.
Oh no.  Let's add a few more.  How about OCD?  Granted it seems everyone has a touch of OCD, right?  This kid has it big time.  If he wants to tell a classmate something it CANNOT WAIT.  He cannot concentrate on anything else until said comment is told to classmate.  He cannot go upstairs to get dressed before school until he pets the cat.  The list goes on. 

Now let's add some depression why don't we?  So off we go to a psychologist.  The kid is SO SAD.  He has so few friends.  Kids simply do NOT get him.  He uses big words. He dreams of amazing inventions.  He studies the periodic table and chemical reactions.  He can tell you just about anything you would ever want to know about severe weather, specifically tornadoes.  He would rather watch Planet Earth, How it's Made, Wild Weather or a host of other science shows than any fiction movie like Spiderman or Iron Man.  He enjoys going to sporting events, can't play worth a darn and doesn't care to watch them on TV.  Kids his age just think he's weird.  He's smarter than they are yet school is just not his thing.  They tease him, pick on him, bully him.  He doesn't get invited to sleepovers or birthday parties.  He isn't asked to come over to hang out.  No one searches him out on the playground.  No one picks him as a partner.  The kid is sad.

He had his first appointment yesterday.  He really liked the psychologist.  I did too.  I was STRONG MAMA until the Dr. sent DS out of the room and I LOST IT.  I don't know a mother who can sit there and listen to her son talk about how he's thought about ending his life and the way he would do it.  The kid is 11.  He first mentioned it at 9.  Fucking bitch of a 4th grade teacher.  She let the bullying go on.  I would go so far as to say she even initiated some of it.  I thought we were doing what we could for him up until yesterday.  When I heard him talking about how he planned to sit in the car in the closed garage so it wouldn't be painful I felt like a failure.  We talked to the school immediately when that was first mentioned when he was 9. We set up sessions with the school counselor.  We had an open conversation with him.  But yesterday I felt horrible.  I didn't do enough.  Why is he 11 and he's talking about things he felt at 9?  What kind of mother am I?  FG told me I am wrong. We didn't ignore it. We were as proactive as we knew to be.  Still, I am dealing with the mother-guilt.  All of these letters behind his name and not until he's 11 do I really dig deep.  I've spent years being frustrated and making his self-esteem worse when he couldn't always help it. 

Now I get to go back to the school and adjust his 504 plan to add a few letters after his name for now.  I am confident that one day those letters will drop away and be replaced with much more socially impressive letters.